I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
