mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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