I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
So vagazzling was a success
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
