i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
