So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
