dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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