a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize
