No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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