that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
