So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
