I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
