I just pynch a tree in the face
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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