he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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