The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
