it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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