Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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