loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she peed on how many people?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
