I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
