awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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