Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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