Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize