Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
