I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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