Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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