Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
