We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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