Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
