Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
