there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
