i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
