What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
