well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I wanna passion pit in your ass
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
