i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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