y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
