Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
