I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
