Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
