upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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