I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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