We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
