fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
