Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
it's not cheating when I paid for it
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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