I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Girls should come with a carfax report
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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