I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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