I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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