You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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