i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
