you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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