Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
