i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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