tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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