Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
