belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
