I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
