why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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