I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
