so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Congratulations! We have a period
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