so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
