I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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