I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
